You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i dont even know how to be here
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize