she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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