I didn't shave. On purpose
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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