Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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