What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
