mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
