did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
