just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
