shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
