thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
