She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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