He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
