I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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