I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
