Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you will always have a special place in my vag
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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