I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
