this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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