So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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