the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
