Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
