I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
