Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
