I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
