He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
