i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
