That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
