my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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