so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
