it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
