mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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