I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
