We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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