my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Randomize
