I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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