I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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