OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Green mimosas i think yes
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I fill condoms, not promises.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize