I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
