i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
