Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
