i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
