Four minutes until I can fart!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
