Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
