We're like a lot better than the average bears
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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