omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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