TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize