I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
