I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize