Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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