She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
