I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
