I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
