I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize