i may or may not be watching the land before time
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
