he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
