My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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