Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
