Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
