did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
