She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
