Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize