he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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