My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
